From the opening pages of Hope & Will Have a Baby...
Matthew loved to read books before going to sleep. Every night Matthew cuddled with his mother or father or sometimes both to read a book. Some nights it was a pirate story, and other nights it was a king or a monster tale.
But one story was Matthew's favorite. His mother said it was her favorite too, their family's special fairy tale. Matthew loved to hear that story.
"Mom?" asked Matthew.
"Yes?" replied his mother.
"Tell me our favorite story."
"Okay. Are you ready?"
"Yes!"
We live in a world where third party reproductive assistance is not the standard way of building a family. Furthermore, this pathway would not ordinarily be chosen were it not for extraordinary circumstances. However, to those working in the field of infertility and collaborative reproduction, it is apparent that children born through such assistance are among the most longed for and awaited. The grand efforts that parents, surrogates and donors make to create families are acknowledged in this collection of books in an appropriate way for little ears to hear and little minds to learn about.
Many intended parents struggle to decide when, what or how to tell relatives and friends about the pathways they are taking to become a family. And the quest is not over with the birth of their children. Once they are finally parents, couples may wonder if, how or when they should tell their offspring about their origins.
As a mental health professional, it is my firm belief that the well-being of the children we are helping to create through assisted reproduction must be our first concern. The shared knowledge of those in the field suggests that it is important and advisable to be up front with offspring about their beginnings. Children have an indisputable right to know about their origins. After all, the sad and conflicted legacy of keeping secrets in the field of adoption has taught us all some important lessons that we should not disregard.
Keeping a child's origin secret may produce a certain unsettled ambiance that the child cannot completely comprehend but still senses. Furthermore, the secret may create shame and an attitude of "walking on eggshells" for parents. Moreover, it deprives the child of feeling pride in his beginnings. Anyone that has been around children knows how paramount it is to their development to experience a sense of satisfaction and self-importance in themselves. Children need to be proud of who they are and how they came into this world and into their families. It is this pride in being a deeply desired and loved family member that will give them a strong sense of self-worth, and carry them through life with their heads held high in the face of any negativity about their unique beginnings.
The purpose of this collection is to help parents tell their children the loving story of their conception, the goodness of all the people that were helpful along the way, and the joyous celebration of their arrival. It accents the caring way that they were planned, how much they were wanted, and the kindness of all involved in their creation, regardless of which reproductive option was ultimately realized.
Understandably, resurrecting the matter of a child's unique beginnings could again bring back the old pain of infertility. This book collection came into being to give parents and intended parents a way to manage a task that may at first seem too overwhelming or stressful. It is meant to give couples a way to talk about their desires to become parents and their final success in doing so. It also is meant to give children an appropriate way to start understanding how they became their parent's offspring. Parents may choose to embellish, remove or add details of their own special family beginnings as they read to their children. And children will naturally do their own thing, with their uncanny sense of innocence and delight. Ultimately, it is the family's traditions, culture, and religious beliefs that will dictate the degree of disclosure.
I would like to see parents and their children use this book with pleasure and gusto. It is my ardent hope that it will allow them to feel the pride and joy they deserve to feel. Good luck and congratulations on becoming a family!
